Taxi Driver Online

UK cab trade debate and advice
It is currently Tue Dec 10, 2019 7:34 am

All times are UTC - 1 hour [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 637 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ... 43  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 23, 2016 9:56 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sat Apr 01, 2006 10:47 pm
Posts: 13374
Location: Stamford Britains prettiest town till SKDC ruined it
voted funniest joke at the edinburgh fringe

"My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart."

_________________
Taxis Are Public Transport too

Join the campaign to get April fools jokes banned for 364 days a year !


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 23, 2016 3:43 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2007 10:27 pm
Posts: 17904
edders23 wrote:
voted funniest joke at the edinburgh fringe

"My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart."

If that was the best, I'm glad I didn't go.

_________________
Grandad,
old fart with no heart


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 23, 2016 4:14 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2006 12:20 am
Posts: 2948
Location: Over here!
grandad wrote:
edders23 wrote:
voted funniest joke at the edinburgh fringe

"My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart."

If that was the best, I'm glad I didn't go.


I felt the same way. Having said that I suppose that the delivery and general feel and atmosphere at the time........should make it come across (shall we say) funny :roll:

_________________
if you cannot be yourself, then who can you be.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 23, 2016 4:31 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2007 10:27 pm
Posts: 17904
cabby john wrote:
grandad wrote:
edders23 wrote:
voted funniest joke at the edinburgh fringe

"My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart."

If that was the best, I'm glad I didn't go.


I felt the same way. Having said that I suppose that the delivery and general feel and atmosphere at the time........should make it come across (shall we say) funny :roll:

It is the sort of joke that Tim Vine would do.

_________________
Grandad,
old fart with no heart


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 24, 2016 11:22 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 29, 2008 3:06 pm
Posts: 22171
Location: A City near Birmingham
cabby john wrote:
I felt the same way. Having said that I suppose that the delivery and general feel and atmosphere at the time........should make it come across (shall we say) funny :roll:



At a prison concert a guest comedian was watching a prisoner doing a comedy act and the guy was on stage..


he says..

22.....roars of laughter

56.....hysterical laughter with tears for many

79.....audience rolling about on the foor


he comes off stage and the visiting guest comedian asks "what was that all about?" to which the guy replied "well we arr lifers and weve heard all the jokes so many times we just use a reference number to save time"

the guest star comedian thinks "ill have some of that" so on he goes...


15.........nothing

37.........stony silence

66.........you could hear a pin drop

so he comes off and says to the prisoner comedian "what was wrong, were the joke i picked not good?"

the guy replied "no, great jokes but.....ITS HOW YOU TELL EM"

_________________
Freedom is never free


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:36 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 6:04 am
Posts: 2555
just splashed out on some new lingerie in ann Summers
Now the assistant says I have to pay for it :shock:


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:37 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 6:04 am
Posts: 2555
I just got asked the time by a British Gas repair man.
So I told the fooker it was between 8am and 1pm!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:39 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 6:04 am
Posts: 2555
You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

Well, I lost my job as a Gynaecologist today eusasmiles.zip


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:41 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 6:04 am
Posts: 2555
Rescuers looking for survivors after the earthquake in Italy say their efforts have been hampered by several aftershocks.

tbh , you would have thought that people involved in such serious work would have the decency to stay sober.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:49 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 6:04 am
Posts: 2555
why men are not agony aunts

Dear Neville,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with the next door neighbours daughter making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 & she is 26, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Neville

:lol:


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:55 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 6:04 am
Posts: 2555
Sir Lenny Henry promises a good night's sleep on his Premier Inn tv ads. .


ironically, his stand up show promises exactly the same


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:56 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 6:04 am
Posts: 2555
I got run over by a limo this morning.

Took fooking ages :roll:


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:57 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 6:04 am
Posts: 2555
I rang up work this morning..

"My wife passed away in the early hours," I told them. "I'm going to need some time off work."

"Oh dear, sorry for your loss," the receptionist said. "And of course we understand. Take as much time off as you need."

"Thank you," I replied. "It'll be about eighteen years with good behaviour ."


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:58 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 6:04 am
Posts: 2555
well im not that ugly but ..When I was a kid, we all played spin the bottle. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny.
By the time I was 13, I owned my own house


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: New Jokes thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:58 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 6:04 am
Posts: 2555
im bored again :lol: :lol: :lol:


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 637 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ... 43  Next

All times are UTC - 1 hour [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 23 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group