Taxi Driver Online

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: About five stone.

Sean Connery was interviewd by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that
despite being 72 years of age,he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla
Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla
said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex
with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went
off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards,
Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour,
and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in
your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex
than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let
me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have
to....... "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls
again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine. The results are absolutely mind
blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a
cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and
yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?" Sean
replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a
scouser , the bitch stole ma wallet !".

gary glitter has decided that if he gets shot by firing squad in vietnam,
that he will be cremated.

this is so he can have his ashes put into etcher sketch so kids can still play with him

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A British World War II pilot is reminiscing before school
children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans
had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day
I was protecting our bombers when suddenly, out of the clouds,
these fokkers appeared.

(At this point, several of the children giggle.)

I looked up, and one fokker was right above me. I aimed at him
and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized
that there was another fokker behind me."

(At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and
boys start to laugh.)

The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that
'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying
Messerschmidts."

whats all that about???

Come on barry, you dont think she was posting a letter . Or do you ?streecar .

Little boy says to his Dad, do they have Christmas decorations in
Vietnam? Father replies not sure son but I hear they are hanging
Glitter this year...

A mother on passing her passing her daughter's bedroom was astonished
to see the bed was made and everything was cleaned up. Then she saw an
envelope on the bed.
It was addressed, "Mom". With the worst premonition, she opened the letter and read it with trembling hands.

Dear Mom,
It is with great sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my
new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Dad. I've
been finding real passion with Ahmed, and he is so nice, even with all
his piercing, tattoos, beard, and motorcycle clothes.
But it's not only the passion, Mom. I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that
we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has
a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more
children with me, and that's now one of my dreams, too. Ahmed taught
me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it
ourselves and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Ahmed can get better.
He sure deserves it! Don't worry about me,Mom. I'm 15, and I know how
to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back so you can get
to know your grandchildren.
XXXXXXX
Your loving daughter

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbours'house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
my report card, which is in the center drawer of my desk. I love you.

Please call when it is safe to come home.

A couple have been married for 20 years. One night at dinner the wife turns to her husband and says I am going to spend our life savings on a boob job. I know youve always thought my boobs were too small so it will be worth it.

The husband is lost for words for a minute then says Theres no need to waste the money on that all you have to do is rub them with a bit of toilet paper every day they'll soon grow

thats ridiculous says the wife what ever makes you think that that would work

Well says her husband it worked on your arse

News just in

An australian pharmaceutical company has just issued a product recall for it's steve irwin range of suncream apparently the claims that it protects against harmfull rays may be false

Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and he
plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His
wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no, says
Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" I recognize her, she's the
waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first
nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi, Davey. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms
out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the
stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having
none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him
every four-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this
time."

This may help the smoking ban in Scottish pubs

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the
rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the
beer
and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and
a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and
the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit
the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A
pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is
hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst
into
applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have
been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making
more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and
says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman",
smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says,
"I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham
and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a
very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and
says,
"Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly
silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I
would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the
rabbit, I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles
the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.........NEVER TO
RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who
has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form,
floating
above the bar. The barman says,
"Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit
that used to frequent your public house".

The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come
in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,
masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know".

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any
Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit
said
"Yes, you promised me that I would love it".

The barman said "You
never came back, what happened?"
"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"NO!" said the barman, "what from".

After a short pause. The rabbit said...

Wait for it............................................

Its good.......................................

"Mixin'-me-toasties"