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The Squirrel and the grasshopper
Rest Of The World Version:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer
away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering
grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
Welcome to
The British Version:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper
thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be
warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are
cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the
shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his
comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in
a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so
while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and
The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting
Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We
Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald
that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls
for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share"
and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the
beginning of the summer.
The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and
fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was
doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the
court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to
furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be
socially mobile. The squirrels food is seized and re-distributed to the
more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his
newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and
utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a
plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with
mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's
apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of
hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the
police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial
moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it
was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a
scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of
the squirrels' food, though Spring is still months away, while the council
house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain
the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is
blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment
since arrival in UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a
burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released
immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed
in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a
few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and
state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme
for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for
enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the
government for failing to befriend the cats
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the
press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root
causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience
of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were
infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the
United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the
bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage
on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for
law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65
because of a shortfall in government funds.
The End
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