Taxi Driver Online

Frog

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.
So THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?
"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter.
After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease.. and HE'S the BAS***D who ran over my FROG

A guy is driving around Newfoundland and he sees a sign in front
of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells
him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever
sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
Secret Service
about my gift, and in no time, at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable
spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at
the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and
now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he
wants for
the dog.

"Ten dollars," the Newfie says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling
him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that $hit."

As I was feeling a bit lonely last week I decided life would be more fun
if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I
wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally bought a
Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I
would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink.

So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the
Queen's
Head Pub with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer.

This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him
again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no
answer from my new friend and pet.

So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against
the centipede's house and shouting,

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head Pub and have a
drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the
box:...........................................

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my F * * * ing shoes on."

Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good
man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is,
you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and Then said, "I want to hang
out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced
him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were
the one who invented The Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a
road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me,
but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it
may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
yours."

A muslim lady knocked on my door today..

I didn't answer, just spoke to her through the letter box - see how she likes it.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a a big event, shen announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to upstairs and make love to him for the first time, when her parents go out after the meal.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but never having had sex before, decides a trip to the chemist for some condoms is appropriate. He tells the chemist its his first time and the chemist spends a good 30 mins extoning the virtues of safe sex in modern society and the different condoms avalible on todays market. At the cash registar the boy insists on the family pack size of extra ribbed pleasure assured condoms planning to give his girl a night to remember. Friday night arrives and our lad turns up for the meal, smack on time, freshly showered, immaculately turned out to meet the parents for the meal. After exchanging pleasantries and being seated at the family table, the boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is deep in prayer, head down. 10 mins pass our lad is still head bowed. 20 mins pass and still head bowed his girl leans over and whispers "i had no idea you were this religious?" The boy turns and whispers back "i had no idea your father was a chemist"

A man who had lost both ears in a car accident was seeing his consultant about having new ears grafted on. His consultant told him that unfortunately that due to the extreme shortage of ears for transplant the only ears he had were a left ear from a dog and a right ear from a pig other than that he would have to wait some years for more suitable ears to be available.
He agreed to have the ears grafted on and 6 months later he returned to the consultant for a check up.
The surgeon asked him how his new ears were performing.
He said the left ear is magic. The dog ear is so clear and allows me to hear things miles away. The pigs ear however is full of crackling……